It’s 85 & sunny outside but I don’t really care. I’m curled up on a giant beanbag inside my cave-like room… the fan hums softly in the background; the only noise aside from the calico kitten purring softly beside me.
Glancing around my cluttered abode, I take in my surroundings, as if I’m experiencing the space for the first time… all manner of trinkets litter the walls, drawers and bookcases.
A dusty framed Polaroid of Taylor Swift & I rests on my desk beside a carefully folded American flag that once flew high above the nation’s capitol. Starbucks mugs- precariously reaching toward the ceiling- read like a Rand McNally Atlas… Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston… Paris, München, Waikiki. Silent ceramic memories of attained goals and achieved dreams.
I sink deeper into the seemingly bottomless memory foam and begin to ponder how I arrived here… I don’t remember how it happened, or when it happened… it was as if one morning I awoke to find all the verbs in my life had shifted tenses; seemingly on their own accord.
I *have* dreams became I *had* dreams.
I *love* became I *loved*
It’s not depression or anxiety… although both are present in part.
This is different. It’s more wilderness than some kind of hell. Though, admittedly, some days there doesn’t seem to be much difference.
It’s no man’s land… and it’s perplexing because it’s a place nobody ever talks about. There’s not much to share when you’re in an “in-between” because there’s not much worth sharing when you’re waiting.
There are Tumblr pages of poetry filled with angst filled millennial musings about how hard life is “in the valley”
…. and it certainly doesn’t take much time on Instagram to unearth what life looks like from a mountain-top.
But what about the place separating the instagramable peaks of life from the vale of ‘reblog worthy’ trepidation below? What am I supposed to do when I’m lost in the space between?
It’s as if Lent has come late- or perhaps over half-a-year early.
I wish I could tell you that I’ve resolved it… that I’ve rekindled the fire within and am clamoring back up the mountain once more… but I can’t tell you that; at least, not yet.
I will say that while I’m unsure if this is a season of sweetness or of sadness... I'm learning neither lasts forever… thanks for letting me share these hidden moments with you.